THE GILLETTE TOXIC MASCULINITY COMMERCIAL, AND THE BEST WE CAN BE – FOUR POEMS IN AN ESSAY
Oluwakemi Amusan
Introduction
In January 2019, Gillette aired a commercial targeted at men. The commercial highlights toxic masculinity and asks men to re-consider their ideas of the best a man can be. It was however considered a misfire and an attempt to commercially capitalize on an ongoing controversy about the shortfalls of a patriarchal society. This opinion spread among men, who are deemed to be the utmost beneficiary of said patriarchal society.
While it is understandable that the first allegation of toxicity or dysfunction in today’s (patriarchal) society will be men, it is important to note that toxic masculinity is not peculiar to the male sex, and toxic femininity is not peculiar to the female sex.
I like to think of sex in this context as the biological variation that makes a person male or female or intersex, while gender is an expression of feminine and masculine variations in an individual, in line with social constructs.
Beyond the design, functionality, gender, sexual orientation, strength, socialization, culture and hormones, both feminine and masculine energies exist within all sexes, and genders, in varying amounts.
This implies that when either of these energies is not balanced, we have a capacity to express toxic behaviors. Women have as much capacity to express toxic masculine behavior as a man have the capacity to express toxic feminine behaviors.
Consideration of this complexity by the Gillette commercial, would perhaps, have lessened the outrage that resulted from men being once again singled out to be rebuked, and by a capitalistic company at that.
For a clearer understanding of my viewpoint, a quick overview of the difference between masculine and feminine energy follows:
Difference between Masculine and Feminine Energies
Our feminine energy is our capacity for intuition, emotional expression and the state of being; while our masculine energy is our capacity for structure, assertiveness and state of doing.
Our masculine energy likes to create structures and follow rules. It is disciplined, determined, goal-oriented, ambitious, direct, logical, and thinks in a linear mode. The feminine energy on the other hand, is dynamic, flowing, flexible, free spirited, open, thinks in a cyclical mode and meanders around structures to find possibilities.
The masculine energy is active but protective or guarding. The feminine energy is passive but nurturing.
The masculine energy relates by competing and dominating; while the feminine energy relates by collaborating and sharing.
The masculine is like the rain; it is penetrative, objective and designed to give. The feminine is like the earth, it is cooperative inclusive collective and designed to receive.
The masculine energy’s greatest power is his assertiveness, physical strength, and logical reasoning while the feminine energy’s greatest power is in her sensuality, intuitiveness and creativity.
The masculine goes outside himself to understand the world within; The feminine goes inside herself to understand the world without.
The masculine is hard, dry, guarding and forceful: The feminine is soft, wet, open, and gentle.
The masculine is coarse, intrusive, and victorious: The feminine is graceful, easy-going and able to surrender.
The masculine connects by stretching his rod (e.g., a handshake) The feminine connects by opening up (e.g., an embrace)
The masculine is result oriented, the feminine is more about the journey.
The masculine is the active (fire) and intellectual (air) energy within us, while the feminine embodies our emotional (water) and material (earth) nature.
Our left brain is said to hold our capacity for reasoning, logic, linear thinking and understanding (masculine) while our right brain is believed to hold our capacity for language, emotions and relationships (feminine).
What Makes Us Whole?
We become psychologically emotionally and physically whole when we are able to harmonize between our individual masculine and feminine energies to the level that resonates with our essence, regardless of societal expectations.
For example, some male persons are wired to have relatively more masculine energies than feminine energies, while some males are predominantly more feminine.
In the same vein, some female persons are predominantly more feminine while some are predominantly more masculine.
Note however that the dominance of one energy could lead to the repression of the opposite energy. Thus, we have the opposite energy remaining at a wounded, predatory or unevolved stage.
Due to the imbalance, the expression of the dominant energy, which is not balanced with the opposite energy, can become toxic.
In addition, the unevolved or unconscious energy is often projected onto others, most likely partners. This results in unhealthy relationship dynamics with each person in a relationship triggering the pain, fear and darkness in the other. This pattern is repeated on and on again, till we address them, and heal the wounds, and evolve to healthier expressions of the energy.
To become whole therefore, it is important that we withdraw our projections onto other people and take ownership for healing our wounded energies.
In the subsequent pages, we will examine the following categories of wounding in men and in women, and the key psychological concepts for healing, balance and integration.
The Masculine Energy Man and His Wounded Feminine
The Masculine Energy Woman and Her Wounded Feminine
The Feminine Energy Man and His Wounded Masculine
The Feminine Energy Woman and Her Wounded Masculine
THE MASCULINE ENERGY MAN AND HIS WOUNDED FEMININE
PICTURE THIS: A raging phallus, chaotic rigidity.
CAUSES
The wounded feminine in a masculine energy man is usually as a result of:
Lack of maternal or feminine presence growing up, either physical or emotional.
Enslavement to gender expectations that men must be physically strong, assertive, unemotional providers to prove their valour.
The mentality that dying with honor demands competition, blind obedience to absolute authority (display courage on the war front and die, if possible, as opposed to shrinking in fear.)
HOW IT MANIFESTS
The repression and wounding to the feminine traits of sensitivity, creativity, spiritually leave these traits at a primitive and unevolved condition, thus adding layers of toxicity to what would otherwise be healthy masculine expression.
This will often result in the fear or distrust of intimacy, coldness, emotional distance, withdrawal from love, repression of pain.
The disconnection from the feminine results in a fear that feeds on the thoughts of scarcity. A scarcity mindset leads to too much emphasis on dominance, with little or no room for collaboration.
Thus, assertiveness becomes aggression, structure becomes rigidity. stoicism becomes lack of empathy. Inability to balance judgement with sensitivity results in a critical nature.
IMPACT
A psychology of dominance makes him view others with lower physical strengths (women or relatively less strong men) as objects of his aggression (sexual or physical).
The need to keep a façade of invincibility is fueled by heavy drinking and drugs, and results in unreceptiveness to help, or inability to share struggles or mental health problems.
This perpetuates unprovoked violence to release inner tension, bullying, mass murders. Thus, fostering the cycle of incarceration, absent fathers and in some cases, suicides.
KEY PSYCHOLOGICAL IDEA FOR HEALING THE WOUNDED FEMININE IN MEN
An important concept in the healing of the wounded feminine in men is Carl Jung’s theory of anima development. This requires a man to evolve and unite with his inner feminine and by progressing through the stages of anima development:
The Eve Stage – Here he begins to open up emotionally by uncovering his shadow, wounds and fear and reclaiming his ability to feel deeply and express pain. This opens in him the capacity for kindness, softness, and compassion. He may project this onto women with motherly energy, which could include his mother, his sister or his wife.
The Helen Stage – Here, he begins to heal sexually and creatively by opening himself up to the flow of life force to address his fears, repression and anxiety around intimacy and vulnerability. This unlocks in him a capacity for openness, freedom, fun, flexibility, and playfulness. He may project his feelings at this stage onto women with seductress energy or sexually confident women.
The Mary Stage – In this stage, his illusions and small mindedness are cleared away and he learns to accept the validity of seemingly polarized perspectives that exist in his world. He reconnects to nature, sees a non-dual world, and accepts the oneness of the universe. This opens in him the capacity for patience and consideration for others’ opinions as well as big picture thinking. It keeps him honest and accountable. He may project his feelings at this stage onto women who radiate the energy of teaching or philosophy.
The Sophia Stage – In this stage, his imagination is enriched. He begins to experience full and empowered intuitive awareness. His perception of the world beyond the physical senses begins to open. Feelings of anxiety and wounds of abandonment are replaced by a flood of inspiration, peace that passes human understanding. His connection to the divine is re-established and his spirituality is fully awakened. Confusion about life is replaced by a sense of purpose. Scarcity thinking is replaced by a sense of abundance. He discovers true riches and lets go of his obsessive attachment to material possessions. He radiates a kingly energy that fights for the good cause, is inclusive in caring, and blesses others. He may project his feelings at this stage onto women who embody spirituality or act as guiding forces.
“Until a man heals himself, he will be toxic, to everyone who tries to love him.” ~ Unknown
The Story of a Man Who Caged His Wife
By Kemi Amusan
He can’t be vulnerable, it is forbidden
he can’t let go, that will be losing
in a world of Aries survival is for the fittest,
or so says the man whose land is cursed
he toils and he toils on Saturn’s vineyard
but thorns and thistles it yields for him
and the sweat of his brows he sips for drink
so is his fate when ego is king
He came by a spring called orange in cancer
in a crimson pool under the moon
did bath a princess known as Eva
she spurred in him a rush of pleasure
in the heat of mania, he dipped with her
he sang with the birds and danced with the chimps
He pulled her by the waist and called her his soul
He probed her some and found her spot.
till morning came and he heard her cry
and her suitors outside calling for war
he killed them all and made her his
till she offered an apple that tugged his heart
in an Edenic genesis minute he knew her game
and a tension erupts deep down his psyche
he had tasted the fruit before, of that he was sure
It was the reason he had toiled, and toiled
the millennial aged bite had been his fall
he had loved her body and all between
but when it came to his heart, he drew the line
His rage inflamed he bounds her up
This is the man who caged his wife
a perpetual stiff who can’t come off his high
Her voice he stifled, her garden he trashed
the fishes that swam her groin he killed
the milk that flowed from her bosom he soured
till her womb grew thistles in place of roses
now for his sake her wells dry out
another earth that won’t yield for him
this is a man who has caused a wound
He arrives in taurus and her field of greens
but the once ripe land for him dries out
he recalled evenings of communion with gods
where beauty and meaning had been his lot
and the juice of the feminine did reign supreme
before the meats of essence became far between
before chaos and fear become his life
and his lush resources became scorched by life
Along came Helen of beauty and guile
she used to be strong but now was a spoil
in his groin she caused a stirring and, in his heart, she caused a thumping
a pretty woman like her will make a great toy
to strengthen a self, broken and lost
He joined a tournament where she was the prize
Her love to be won by the strongest of men
With each duel for her his love grew hot
With each victory he won he promised her more
then set his sails to win her war
but the man came far and all for nought
a thousand ship he lost at sea
for Helen’s heart is hers alone
And her heart she gave to a man of love
To avenge his hurt, he cursed her womb
Yet another earth that won’t yield for him
This is the man who has received a wound
Stranded and grave he is swept a shore
The Dothraki returns savaged and crushed
In Eva’s cave he reached for warmth
he felt for her but hit the wall
He raised the curtain and then he saw
Her face half gone her garment turned red
She had freed herself but not to safety
She had yielded to danger to awaken his guilt
For mangled she was by a wilding she lured
Another earth that won’t yield for him
He arrived in Gemini the land of tricks
Where wanderers like him told tales of gods
Lost to the mystery of truths and roots
his vile mouth betrayed a hardiness of heart
and bragged about the priestesses defiled
Ask for the mothers grace the twins did plead
But his masculinity under threat he killed them all
their tears in death did blind his eyes
And the agony of their fall increased his load
With the loudness of their wails haunting his sleep
Yet again the earth was cursed for him
Beside Eva’s corpse stood Mary the pure
In silence she screamed that he spilled his truth
Through her sealed lips her words roared high
Rebuffing his reasoning making small his mind
This is a man who has caused a wound
This is a man who has received a wound
This is a man who must carry his wound
He put a punch through, and bled his hand
Another earth that won’t yield for him
Now with his bleeding hand he lifts the corpse
like a demon in the light for all to see
Where he had once been praised now, was he shunned
He cries and cries to free his name
Eva’s lifeless body an accusation in his face
A host of women gather and sing
This is the man who caged his wife
Though strong in physique exhausted he is
torturous steps take him places but never to safety
Like an uncemented brick laid atop the other
he topples and falls alas, he breaks
Eve had opened in him the streams of feeling
so, he could bond with the warriors
But in his wrath, he caged her
How then might the earth yield for him
Helen had planted in him a garden of roses
It was the pleasure to access the courts of love
But she had fled and, in his hurt, he cursed her
how then might the wombs open for him
Mary unlocked his fount of knowledge
so, he could access the secrets of magic
but in his defeat, he hit her
how then might hearts open for him
There is a higher way yet he mocks the gods
there is a higher way, yet strive he must
To satisfy his craving he eats his flesh
another earth that will not yield for him
he steps into the flames his dead wife in hand
there and then did wisdom hit him
With the sparks of his shame did reckoning smite him
in the brightness, he faces his grief and lets out a cry
I am a man who has caused a wound
I am a man who has received a wound
I am a man who must carry my wound
I am a man who must heal my wound
I sold hard on toughness but now I break
in the thick of the fire, he grows his wings and a new voice speaks
opening up his spirit and lifting him off his feet
from the corpse of Eva, Sophia was born
up in the air he meets her glory
in favor of her love, he relinquishes his fears
to gain her wisdom he strips his ego
feeling the purity of her gaze he lets out a cry
in place of anger mercy arises
so that the earth might yield her kindness
in place of hurt comfort emerges
so, the womb might bear him her fruits
in place of defeat joy emerges
so that her magic may color his world
in place of judgment glory is born
so that the heavens might rain on his land
“An awakened man is a warrior of the heart. He calls to other conscious men to join the revolution, to lay down their ego, and with true masculine energy, demonstrate what it means to return to love.” ~ Daniel Nielsen
THE MASCULINE ENERGY WOMAN AND HER WOUNDED FEMININE
PICTURE THIS: A dried up well, a hardened breast
CAUSES:
In recent years, women have had to adopt masculine traits to survive or advance their careers in what used to be predominantly male-driven industries. Considering feminine traits of emotionality nurturing passivity and receptivity are considered weak, unfit and inefficacious for thriving in the work place, a lot of women have found it necessary to relegate them to the shadow.
Other causes of wounded feminine in women, include sexual abuse; emotionally or physically absent mothers or maternal figures.
Living with instability, uncertainty or danger, also force women to hide their feminine softness in order to cope.
HOW IT MANIFESTS:
Repression of the feminine energy in women makes them come across as uncouth, aggressive pushy, insensitive, argumentative, brutish, destructive, harsh, critical, judgmental, afraid of intimacy.
Perfectionism.
IMPACT
Women with repressed feminine energy usually suffer from feelings of shame, guilt and pain, and sexual inhibition.
They usually think cultivating beauty is shallow.
They have a fear of intimacy that creates unhealthy relationship patterns.
They believe they must prove themselves to earn love or feel worthy.
The hurts and subjugation they faced in the hands of men lead to ingrained prejudice against men and male bashing.
KEY PSYCHOLOGICAL CONCEPT FOR HEALING THE WOUNDED FEMININE IN WOMEN
(INNER CHILD THERAPY)
“A grownup is a child with layers on.” – Woody Harrelson
An important concept for healing the wounded feminine in women with predominantly masculine energy is Inner Child Therapy. This concept can be traced back to Carl Jung.
According to him, our inner child is linked to our past experiences and memories of innocence, playfulness, and creativity, and hope for the future.
It is the side of our character that sometimes act out in destructive ways when we encounter a challenge. These destructive and self-sabotaging tendencies could be as a result of unmet needs and suppressed childhood emotions.
To cultivate feminine energy and awaken our vibrant, happy, positive, satisfied, compassionate, and intuitive side, it is important that we:
Unearth our childhood experiences – fears, hopes and dreams
Support the needs and materialize the dreams of our inner child
Reparent the inner child by showing empathy and acceptance of ourselves for our flaws
Engage in therapy and meditation to discover some of the reasons behind our fears, and codependences.
Honor our energy – speak to ourself kindlier, incorporate self-care, tap to our creative and playful side, and spend time revisiting activities we enjoyed as children.
• “Those who play rarely become brittle in the face of stress or lose the healing capacity of humor.” – Stuart Brown
• “Caring for your inner child has a powerful and surprisingly quick result: Do it and the child heals.” – Martha Beck
When a woman heals and strengthens her inner child, she is:
grounded, receptive, reflective while still keeping strong boundaries.
gracious in her strength, loving, empathetic, compassionate and supportive.
vulnerable, but authentic enough to speak her heart and does so with no shame.
Purposeful, and driven but flows through life effortlessly.
powerful but also knows how to surrender.
open, and trusting.
logical but also naturally intuitive, and listens to her heart along with her mind.
deliberate in her action, to manifest and create magic.
confident in her body, and exudes beautiful, sensual energy.
A Heroine’s Journey to Rescue Her Inner Child
By Kemi Amusan
So, what if Lilith is poised for a different mission this time
and Vashti can show the king where to shove it
yes, we know Mary is no pushover either
and Rahab’s done tricking for her pimp Jericho
its Tamar’s business if she won’t let in her self-righteous father-in-law
but it is a man’s world, and women must do as they are told
Medusa vs Poseidon and Perseus
With the pain of Poseidon’s violation too ugly to share, Medusa went alone and forged her path.
She worked the fields and labored like men, lifting the hoe to till her ground.
Her body changed, her palm grew calluses, her bosom hardens and her countenance soured
He juices drained off, her curves straighten, her hormones ran amok and softness eluded her
Till the steel in her gut became a question mark to the men
but Medusa made no apologies
In a dog-eat-dog world and Medusa had to become a man
She ate like them drank like them and chewed tobacco like them
To match the depth of their voice she spoke louder and they called her aggressive
To assert herself she polished her argument and they called her disagreeable
To match the scarcity of their words she became reticent and they called her cold
To match their ambition, she set her sights higher and they called her power hungry
To match their calculatedness she became strategic and they called her a bitch
To match their sexual confidence, she set herself free and they called her nasty
To match their strength, she bulked up with muscles and they called her fat
She declared liberty to women and they called her man eater
Because she won’t wear her hair the way they wanted, they called her a witch
Afraid that in her power she would come for vengeance they sent Perseus to lay down the law
He had fallen for her, and something in her had loved him too
But her fear of hurt, her passion bridled, frozen, stuck and needing to be unthawed, she couldn’t open up to him
Since she won’t open for him, he cut off her head
Even in death she looked frightened
her hair had eyes watching everywhere.
It sent shivers down the spines of the onlookers
Now in this lifetime, Karen is set to avenge Medusa
Karen’s Coven vs the Patriarch
After years of being put upon by the patriarch and her choices limited to the furtherance of her father and husband’s agenda, Karen’s flowing flowery skirt is long gone.
In its place now is a purposeful, strong, driven woman who must now champion her own course
Like Arya she has chosen a different needle, and not the one for joining fabrics
She will fight to rescue her child,
and ensure that never again will the Medusa story happen
heaven help any who stands in her way
She forms a coven of drunk ex queens, scorned lovers, mad maidens and frigid nuns.
Now steeped in liquor, Vashti rages. “If I will wave any kerchief this time, it is with a mission in mind, cause this bitch has got her sights set high.” She was the queen who was banished for pride.
With her crimson nails, Jezebel brings her wine glass to her ever red lips, sips then declares,
“Tell Naboth sorry but his yard is mine, cause bae is getting paid big time.”
Herodias raises her glass in toast and hisses, “Guess who is coming for John’s head this time. Let the church be the church and the state be the state! Damn it!!”.
Lilith paused the loud chewing of her gum and blew it largely then giggles, “I am just here waiting for the next sucker trying to put a baby in of me. Y’all know I am tying that tube at the count of two.”
A maiden in a nun’s outfit joined the rant. She spoke of Jephthah her famous father
“Here I was praying for his victory but when he arrives from battle, unscathed I might add, he dedicates me to the temple. Without my say so. But it is a man’s world and I did as I was told.”
Another woman in apron speaks up
“I would rather have sat with the philosophers but one look at my mother’s face I knew I wasn’t to embarrass my father with my ‘thirst for knowledge.’ I am only required to be ‘good and pretty’ for the special occasion when I share his bed, because hey, those are the highlights of my life, after all. It is a man’s world and us women must know our place.”
An older woman with deeply etched facial lines join in. She used to be known as Naomi, but now insists on being called bitterness. “Men kept us safe, only so we could give them more children who will then go on to die at war. Now our beauty is gone under the weight of childcare and all for nought while men move on to the nearest bouncier younger girl their manhood points to.
In the distance the men stood,
Just for kicks the first knights watched.
Jesting mocking and rolling their eyes.
Same old same old the princes belched.
Different versions of the same woman singing a song
The girl who for safety has sought the temple
only to have her sacred place violated by the powers that be
Same old same old, they toasted and cheered
So, what if Lilith is poised for a different mission this time
and Vashti can show the king where to shove it
yes, we know Mary is no pushover either
and Rahab’s done tricking for her pimp Jericho
its Tamar’s business if she won’t let in her self-righteous father-in-law
but it is a man’s world, and women must do as they are told
Karen rises and the first knight pauses
He could feel more trouble brewing
His ex-wife’s stubbornness, anger, and control
will like an epidemic soon flood the city
infecting the younger birds to be cruel and bad lays.
A brilliant idea struck in his head
make it a girl-on-girl fight to make it stop
in all his gallantry the first knight rises
and valiantly defends the patriarch
Yes, Poseidon encroached Medusa’s space
Yes, Perseus cut off Medusa’s head
but it was Athena who banished her innocence
it was Athena who envied her power
and it was Athena who ordered her slain
it was Athena who made of her head an amulet
Athena has no heart maybe your lot must help her find it
The War
Blind in rage they saw not Athena’s side
She was only a woman birthed from the fear of her father
stirred by a prophecy that had him swallow his wife
Soon in his head Zeus had felt a pang
“Congratulations Mr. Zeus,” the doctors had pronounced. “You are head-pregnant with a girl child.
She shall be the goddess of wisdom and goddess of war
A master strategist she will be and none will be able to stand her.”
They said nothing about her having a heart
She was a woman who knew not the mother’s touch
How then could she have learnt to empathize
She was a woman who knew not the mother’s love
How then could she have felt Medusa’s pain
She was as much a victim as they were, but the coven seethed on
They trapped Athena and set the temple on fire
But it did not fix their pain
They made from Medusa’s head their own sigil
But that did little to pacify their anger
They became men in skirts, different gender the same wound
they became the evil they cursed in Athena
and in their ‘goodness’ suffered women to be slain
All along their inner child persists, “mommy is it safe? Can I come out and play?”
Seeing the patriarch’s game, the coven cast Poseidon to jail and cut off Perseus head
But that did nought to calm their child
They brought down the knighthood and declared themselves kings
They put the first knights in skirts and painted their faces
But it did not put a smile on their faces
They got too busy getting drunk on power
To remember why they got strong
activism and fighting – That was the easy part
Putting down the wall and resolving the pain
Unearthing the child and shifting to love
Was the true mark of strength
Now with each ball that is broken
And with each blood that is drained
With each toe that they trample
And with each neck she strangles
With each one upmanship celebrated
the child’s cry persists
mommy is it safe? Can I come out and play
They won but found no sleep
They triumphed but found no respite
They became too burdened to create.
-Too exhausted to heal.
-Too depleted to play.
-Too masculine to be present.
-Too caged to be free.
-Too worried to trust
To their therapist they cry, “Help! We can’t analyze our way out of this pain.”
The Real Fight
So, what if Lilith is poised for a different mission this time
and Vashti can show the king where to shove it
yes, we know Mary is no pushover either
and Rahab’s done tricking for her pimp Jericho
its Tamar’s business if she won’t let her self-righteous father-in-law?
This is not a Karen song
This is not a feminist anthem
This is a call for the heroine to rescue her child
To ditch the woes and spread the love
To forgive the past and plant new seeds
To heal our wounds and join our hands
To light the candles and color our world
“I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles.” Audrey Hepburn
“If you can dance and be free and be embarrassed, you can rule the world.” Amy Poehler
THE FEMININE ENERGY WOMAN AND HER WOUNDED MASCULINE
PICTURE THIS: When unhealthy she is like: a bottomless pit, a stagnant pond. A ditch for dumping wastes
CAUSES
Internalization of misogynistic values and power structures that insists women only ever show feminine traits such as: passiveness, selflessness, and compliance, or docility, without a heathy balance of masculine energy.
Consequently, her masculine expression remains at an unevolved or weak state.
Women being shunned for expressing the masculine energy of confidence and assertiveness results in the underdevelopment and unhealthy expression of their masculine energy (wounded or thwarted masculinity in women).
HOW IT MANIFESTS:
She overcompensates for her wounded masculine energy with exaggerated dependence on feminine qualities.
She may over rely on beauty, youth and sexuality and doesn’t develop other skills
In an effort to secure external validation she may normalize objectification
Her Inability to set boundaries makes her vulnerable to other people’s whims.
Her authenticity is compromised as a result of taking in other people’s dogma.
She hides her capabilities so as not to come across as intimidating to others, especially men.
She represses her anger out of the need to be polite, but indulges in passive aggressive attitudes such as gossiping, spreading rumors manipulation and sabotaging.
She transfers her autonomy and her self-agency to external authorities.
IMPACT
DOMESTIC ABUSE: Settling for unhealthy partners and staying in unhealthy relationships because she feels incomplete without a male partner may enable domestic abuse.
BODY DYSMORPHIA: She may engage in risky surgeries and eating disorder in order to keep with societal expectations for women’s beauty.
SHAME: She may feel judged or judge other women for how much they fit into societal expectations for their sex.
EPISODES OF HISTRIONICS; Inner rage may flare up when her attachment needs aren’t met, leading to episodes of histrionics in extreme cases.
EMOTIONAL STRAIN: Putting others needs and desires before hers and conforming to expectations that leave her unsatisfied and resentful can lead to fatigue.
UNDERUTILIZATION OF POTENTIA: Downplaying her capabilities can keep her stuck, or trapped in her career. A lack of agency over her own life and abilities can lead to depression.
KEY PSYCHOLOGICAL CONCEPT FOR HEALING THE WOUNDED MASCULINE IN WOMEN
A key psychological concept for healing the wounded masculine in women is Jung’s theory of animus development. Another is Alchemy: Jung’s Metaphor for the Transformative Process
The aim of psychological alchemy is to turn our base materials into something of value; our lead into gold, our weakness to strengths our threats to opportunities; our victimhood into power; our Ignorance to awareness; our brokenness to wholeness; our chaos to harmony.
It does this by taking us through the following steps:
Calcination: The fire of life’s sufferings (existential crisis, traumatic events, unfulfillments with our achievements, losses) burns down our ego, our social mask and attachment to the worldly, and forces us to crumble or have a nervous or mental breakdown, sparking our journey into the self.
Dissolution: When we go into ourself, we are confronted with our dark materials, and buried parts of ourself, perceived faults, painful memories, or traumatic upbringings which we most often have projected onto others. We are forced to face the truth about this, and release the lies that shape our perceptions.
Separation: We sift through the hidden parts of ourselves that the worlds dogma told us was wrong because they couldn’t handle, but which are actually helpful for our growth: The light that we had hidden, the wounds that held us back, till we find the gems.
We realize that the strength, initiative, wisdom, wildness and inspiration we projected onto others are part of who we are.
Conjunction: We form a new self and re-integrate without deferment to what society expects of us. We begin to heal and develop our animus in order to fully re-integrate the divine masculine,
rather than project it to the men in our lives.
I like to think this corresponds to the Athlete stage of animus development.
The Athlete Stage (Strength and Discipline) – In this stage, the woman is attracted to men for their physical power, athleticism and ability to take care of her physical needs. She must take back this projection of her own inner strength by becoming fit and agile. As well as developing her ability for self-defense. The woman emerges with a capacity to be open while also setting healthy boundaries.
Fermentation: We surrender to life and to love as it tests our new self with its trials and pains and hurts and dark nights. We trust it to build our resilience and to season us to our utmost beauty.
I like to think this corresponds to the Planner stage of animus development.
The Planner (Logic, Initiative, and Action) – In this stage the woman is attracted to men for their initiative, capacity to take care of her material needs and give her stability. She must take back this projection of her own unrecognized capacity for logic, action and initiative by setting goals and coordinating her resources to ensure her needs are met. The woman emerges with a capacity to be intuitive while also grounded. She develops resilience by not giving up on her goals.
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Distillation: We constantly purify the spirit by checking ourselves to see that we are aligned with our highest ideals, and nourishment of our soul.
I like to think this corresponds to the Professor or Logos stage of animus development.
The Professor (Intellectualism, Mastery, Self-Expression) – In this stage, the woman is attracted to men for their ability to influence others with their words and knowledge. Examples include politicians, clergymen, Public Speakers, Lecturers, Activists. She must take back this projection of her own intellectualism, mastery and self-expression by questioning dogmas and indoctrinations and being true to her authentic self. The woman emerges with a capacity to be flexible, yet authentic.
Coagulation: We see our outer world as a reflection of our inner world and understand that when we change ourselves and the way we see things the things we see also change.
I like to think this corresponds to the Spiritual guide stage of animus development.
The Guide (Vision, Spirituality, Sovereignty) – In this stage, the woman is attracted to men for their spirituality and godlikeness or Christ-likeness. She must take back this projection by developing her own intuition, internalizing her own authority, having a vision for her life and seeing herself as a leader, as one with God (or the Universe). The woman emerges with a capacity to be compassionate, yet assertive; vulnerable, yet discerning; humble, yet powerful; meek, yet sovereign.
A Princess’s Journey to Queenship
By Kemi Amusan
I may have dusted off the sand from my inner thighs, or remained on the sand and bawled my eyes out
I may have wobbled home bow legged and weak, or joined the party with a drink in my hand
I may have shrugged it off like a ride in the hay, or drenched my pillow in tears
I… I don’t remember. It was too fuzzy
But my shrink insists
something happened on the beach of Scorpio.
While the men celebrated their conquest and their raging phallus
the bruised princess descended into hades
and emerged with Lilith the female demon
dark destructive ready for vengeance.
So, mommy. Did you lie to me?
With cuffs in hands, I stand in judgement
Before me lay a man suffering in pain
The priest the shrink and the cops await
My brothers hasten to voice their wrath
And my husband too, has a ton to tell
They all allege I sucked off their life
Mommy, did you lie to me?
The charges against me are huge.
They sound like lyrics to a rap
With cameras all trained at me
Like the bookshelf in a prison library
They corner me with their tongues
They speak many words I do not know
And nail me with their fingers.
– Wounded, Wrong Unworthy
Needy, Shallow, Dying,
Weak, Drama Prone, Unstable,
Obsessed, Nympho, Maniac,
Batshit, Crazy, Villain
Disillusioned, Gold-Digging, Black Widow
Lying, Histrionic, Victim
Mommy, did you lie to me?
At my feet you promised men will swoon
Under my spell you swore they will pay
from my palm you vowed they will eat
now to earn my slice they demand I sweat
Mommy, did you lie to me?
If for their approval I live
Then who am I without their gaze
If for their applause I sing
Then who am I without their cheers
If for their care I breathe
Then who am I without their fuss
Mommy, did you lie to me?
When I was young and wild and free
wanting to defend beauty truth and grace
girls should never learn to fight
neither should they ever become strong
those were the words you spoke to me
that all I needed was to be pretty and coy
Mommy, did you lie to me?
Don’t act too smart you may turn off men
Little girls should only climb so high
Your frailty you must wear like a gem around your neck
And all that is yours, men will gift
Gold digger appellation of you be damned
Uh oh
Mommy, did you lie to me?
A pawn I have become in the hands of men
a toy to be pickled frozen and dried
Till they summoned a demon I knew not I had
who gouged out their eyes and killed their seeds
Mommy, did you lie to me?
Chaos on Manolo’s they call my gait
A stink in Chanel is how I am known
A ghost, in Gucci the paparazzi taunts
A mess masked in mac the fashion police clowns
All the media they poke fun at me
Till they summoned a demon I knew not I had
Who fills her emptiness, by harvesting their force
Mommy, did you lie to me?
My wombs have fangs my husband alleges
My needs are so deep no man can fill
And our mad dance he must now quit
My poison filled bosom he will now leave
And on and on and on, he rants
Till he summoned a demon I knew not I had
My Lilith showed up and cost him his job
But like an addict he will return
To be entrapped and drained again and again
Mommy, did you lie to me?
Flighty naïve un wise I was
Strolling in nude looking for love
Cos you asked I go lengths for their gaze
You counseled I risked all to secure the bag
winter was coming and I had no clue
Mommy, did you lie to me?
I may have dusted off the sand from my inner thighs, or remained on the sand and bawled out my eyes
I may have wobbled home bow legged and weak, or joined the party with a drink in my hand
I may have shrugged it off like a ride in the hay, or drenched my pillow in tears
I… I don’t remember. It was too fuzzy
But my shrink insists
something happened at the beach of Scorpio.
While the men celebrated their conquest and their raging phallus
the bruised princess descended into hades
and emerged with Lilith the female demon
dark destructive ready for vengeance.
Mommy. Did you lie to me?
Now my husband wants to be rid of me
The law says I must rot in jail
The shrink says I am just insane
The good book says I must go to hell
The press says it is the end of me
And my brothers ask that I be bound in chains
Mommy, did you lie to me?
Twenty-five fingers the pastor now points
as he drones forever about my lot
how soulless women have nought to lose
till he summons a demon I knew not I had
with red lipstick she scrawls out his name
and drags him down the pits of hell
with all the lies momma told me
and all the ones they told her too
in hells fire I lost the dross
in the heat of its flame, I discovered my shine
underneath its coals I found my gold
like a phoenix I rose again
I emerged a Queen fit for her reign
Grounded, confident, gracious, and true.
“She unleashed her inner goddess and became the woman her soul knew she could be.”
– Michelle Schafer
“Women are emotional in order to feel the divine energy at the highest levels and be supreme healers and lovers and mothers. Not to drive men insane. Her deep spiritual connection to feelings is to inspire a man to his spiritual heights as well. She is an oracle.”
– Raja Khan
THE FEMININE ENERGY MAN AND HIS WOUNDED MASCULINE
PICTURE THIS: A gadget that has lost its sense of direction, a soldier that can no longer stand, an iron with no hardness
CAUSES:
Immature masculine role models perpetuated in pop culture rooted in insecurity and the desire for sex, fame, money, and power.
Frustration and defeat
Absent and abusive fathers
HOW IT MANIFESTS:
This feeling of powerlessness he tries to compensate for with aggressiveness.
Lack of purpose leads to indecisiveness and frustration.
Fear of judgement leads to lack of authenticity, people pleasing, virtue signaling and other approval seeking behaviors
Inability to logically process conflict leads to emotional reactivity, and cancel culture.
Ungroundedness leads to too much dreaminess without corresponding actions to materialize them.
Wounded masculinity expresses itself in resentment, lack of trust, anxiety, jealousy, fear, moodiness, and weakness.
KEY PSYCHOLOGICAL CONCEPT FOR HEALING THE WOUNDED MASCULINE IN MEN
(King, Warrior, Magician, Lover – Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine by Robert Moors, and Douglas Gillette.
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Dr. Jordan Peterson’s teaching on 12 Rules for Life).
The feminine man with wounded masculinity can evolve by moving up the scale from the passive masculine archetypes of Weakling, Victim, Innocent, and Fool to the healthy expressions of King, Warrior, Magician, Lover.
Victim to Warrior: The victim is at the mercy of the system, while a warrior is a master of his own fate. The victim caves whenever someone makes a demand of him, and never stands up for himself.
A man can move up this scale by moving from weakness to strength, from incompetence to gaining mastery in a subject, from insecurity to becoming self-assured and not requiring external validation, from frustration to discipline and loyalty to his purpose. He evolves to the warrior when he learns to fight for himself rather than remain a victim.
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
The Fool to Lover/ True Artist: The fool sacrifices his ideals and values for love, or attempts to buy love. He sees no meaning in life, and wastes his vitality on non-rewarding things. The fool is a slave to his emotions while the lover has mastered his emotions. Unlike the lover, the fool has no appreciation for beauty, yet he is controlled by beauty and pleasure. The fool is an ardent consumer. The lover creates. The fool is easily swayed, the lover has integrity. The fool idealizes people and may engage in celebrity worship. The lover sees the humanness of others and understand that everyone has his own flaws. The fool’s lack of life-force leaves him bored, listless and depressed. The lover has joie de vivre, and is full of appreciation. This also inspires those around him, and enables true connections.
The fool evolves to the lover when he loves himself enough to honor his truths; when he communicates his boundaries while also respecting the validity of other’s needs.
We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
The Innocent Dummy to Magician: The innocent dummy does not want the responsibility that comes with his knowledge so he avoids the task of learning sacred truths. He is more interested in joining the crowd than in listening to the voice of his intuition to solve problems.
The innocent or dummy hides his light under the bushel and will only show it off to shame others. He is often lost in the world of daydreaming but lacks the magician’s groundedness, to materialize his dreams.
The art of a magician is to create wonder. If we live with a sense of wonder, our lives become filled with joy.
Doug Henning
The Weakling Prince to King: Like a petulant child the weakling prince expects to be taken care of whereas the king is sovereign. The weakling prince’s identity is defined for him by others and is motivated by other’s perception of him, but the king knows who he is and is motivated by his principles. The king is abundant and generous, the weakling prince is often fearful and envious. The king likes order where the weaking prince revels in being chaotic. The weakling prince is a slave to his ego, while the king has mastered his ego.
The weakling prince can access the king archetype by serving, taking ownership, giving people a better vision for the future and mobilizing resources to realize the future, while also ensuring the safety and order of his people.
Yesterday we obeyed kings and bent our necks before emperors. But today we kneel only to truth, follow only beauty, and obey only love.
Khalil Gibran
The Prince and The Dragon
By Kemi Amusan
He is the high chair tyrant who whines about unfairness but feels entitled to favor and asks that others fix his problems
He is afraid of being punished by outside authority but can’t deal with the responsibility of owning his power.
He wants to be respected, but keeps getting into situations that show him just how powerless he is.
He digs in his heels of sloppiness and prays miracles in his laps, imagining wishing but never a finger lifting.
He is a pin that has lost its sharpness, a doormat and pushover who acts cowardly where he should fight.
Now a dragon is out about to make a fool of him
It looks like a group of teenagers beating up the class geek
asking him to be assertive and stand up for himself
To find the wild and strongman buried deep in his psyche
Capable of battling with the wolves, and outrunning the panther
But he stays behind his curtain and his comfort devours him
Fight o man you bloody well fight, they echo, but he won’t
He won’t stand up straight. He can’t stand up straight. He is floppy everywhere.
He drags his tail out of the tournament gasping for dear life.
His inner rage, he hides beneath a mask of ‘niceness and vulnerability’.
And showers us with the sweetest passive-aggression, but we love him for it
Because yes, we love ‘love and light’ even if it masks neurosis and weakness
He is the weakling prince; He has it in him to be a warrior but he dies an ordinary man
He covers his wounds with ideologies that keep people away – behind the cloak of martyrdom, his self-righteous badge of honor. No way are they going to watch him try and fail, and behold ineptness at its height.
Yet, his fragile pride bristles away, and vile guilt and bitterness slither on, damning his detractors to hell.
Yes, the trickster prince has found religion and now he stands back from life and peddles fear.
He erects a pulpit by the whorehouse and reign damnation on the women – Hell lock them up and please rot them too. Condemn them to kitchens and strap them to beds at night
Or straddle them in waste clothes and deny them their sovereignty
Keep them nine months heavy and overloaded with babies. Amen
But guess who isn’t fooled by his slave morality?
It is the dragon outside, ready to test his honor
She is a man eater dressed as a damsel in distress
She asks him to prove that he is worthy of his calling
And dares him to dive into the oceans of beauty and grace
To find the lover that awakens the heart
Capable of tickling the hyena and laying with the lions
He runs from his shadows, and is seduced by her
He has it in him to be a true artist but he will die a foolish lover
Love o man you bloody well love, she teases. But he will not.
She finds his non-confrontational nature soothing at first but soon realizes he is just a mama’s boy, who is shrunken up here and shriveled down there.
Because he has lost his stamina, he hates her strength
Since a woman standing up to her full height is a threat, he goes on a cycle of building her up and cutting her down to size. In the sweetest passive aggressive way, of course.
He has been made a play thing by society, so he toys with her feelings.
Seeing she has been around town and particularly down this road, she tells him where to shove it
but his catastrophic insecurity shatters the ground on which she stands.
He has been brought to his knees so he takes the strides off her.
He has been suffocated for so long so his repressed rage takes over and knocks the winds out of her.
Thus, perpetuating the ideals, he had vowed to break
Who knew there was so much aggression beneath the crystals of love and light?
MGTOW! he declares and actually goes on his way.
He sings the songs of the glorious 50s when women knew their place
Like a broken phallus he screams at the slightest touch
A smile from you is seen as a smirk. Your joy he considers a jest.
Everything is offensive! Everything must be canceled! Everyone must be boycotted!
Now a dragon stands at his door ready to make a fool of him
They look like an angry army of intellectuals challenging his beliefs
Asking him to climb the tallest mounts and brave the harshest weather
To find the king in him who is wise and just
Capable of flying with the eagles and dazzling like the peacocks
Reign o man, you better reign, they charge, but he won’t
He builds a tent on the grass of vengeance and returns the next day to slay them all
he has it in him to be a true leader but he will die an ordinary follower
For a man who took the easy way out, his journey back home is braggadocios
He barks at everything and everyone, but his power is not from within.
He puts it on like labels and covers his insecurity with millions and muscles.
A little contempt and he hits you in the face but he gives a halfhearted apology, so we let it go
He exploits others for his own gain, but they get a stipend, so its aright, we guess
He puts everyone under the bus to serve his goals. We find it kind of entertaining, really
He touches people where he shouldn’t, he touches people when he shouldn’t, He touches people who he shouldn’t.
We want to call him adorable, since he is a celebrity and all, but we can’t shake the feeling that … he rubs us the wrong way.
Now there is a dragon outside about to make an even bigger fool of us.
It looks like a headline thar reads:
Dashing prince commits massacre,
Dead prostitutes found in clergy’s basement.
Handsome celebrity hits friend in public
Beloved R&B singer accused of rape and pedophilia
Think o people, you better think. But will we?
Like mirrors held to our faces
They reveal the many faces beneath the masks we wear.
They scream at us, with truths so bright they make sinners of our saints.
They ask us to confront the not so lovely, and not so light parts of ourselves.
So, we can quiet down our insecure tyrants and seize our dreams from the tricksters.
” The sacred masculine does not play games, for he holds all others equal to himself. He does not hide from what his heart speaks; he listens with an open ear, embracing his intuition, knowing that as a warrior his instincts are sharp. He does not run from conflict, knowing that resolution is the traits of Kings.” ~ Ara
THE GILLETTE TOXIC MASCULINITY COMMERCIAL, AND THE BEST WE CAN BE – FOUR POEMS IN AN ESSAY
